


It's Just You And Me, Diary

by ralugerri



Category: K-pop, Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Diary/Journal, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-13
Packaged: 2020-10-06 20:03:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 4,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20512712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralugerri/pseuds/ralugerri
Summary: SKZ AU, Felix Lee is a depressed teen who works at a fast food restaurant and keeps a diary because he's too scared to talk to anyone.Never-ending fic, daily(ish?) updates.





	1. Chapter 1

Today was my 19th birthday. Birthdays are supposed to be special days all about you, but I didn't feel that this year. I spent today thinking about my 18th birthday, a day I spent alone with my now ex-fiancé, Chris. I know some people think it's weird that I got engaged so young, but believe it or not this was actually my second engagement. But the first one was forced so... We don't talk about that. But this was different.

Chris was perfect. He wrote me songs, we'd leave the phone on while we slept so it felt like we were together, all that cheesy shit you'd see in movies or read in a twitter au. Except it was real. I just happened to meet a guy like that, who had been saving all of his love just for me. And last year on my birthday, he was just like that. I baked my own cake and he hugged me from behind while I cooked, we got all dressed up and went out to an expensive dinner together, we had pretty great sex when we got back to my place, perfect birthday. And all with the person I loved more than I knew was possible.

This year Hyunjin and I went to Ikea. My mom sent me some flowers, and my dad and I got sushi. So yea I got to hang out with my best friend, got a half assed show of affection from my mom and some time with my dad but... But God I just miss Chris. And that makes me feel like a dick because I'm dating Changbin now. I shouldn't be dating someone and thinking about someone else, that's shitty!! But Chris was the one, you know? I know people say you never know, but that's because they haven't met the one. You know when you meet them.

I met Chris my senior year of high-school. I had just moved to California, so I was spending my last year in a new place, new school, and it was supposed to be the most academically uptight in all of Santa Rosa. It was my first day, I walked into the dance room (dance was my 6th period, so it was my last stop of the day), and I saw him from across the room.. And you know what happened? I felt it. I felt true love, right away. Diary I've been depressed since I was 12, had anxiety since I was a little kid (I honestly can't ever remember not having it), I became suicidal at age 13 and 4 years later I was ready to kill myself but I saw his face and I swear to you for the first time in those past 4 years... I felt something special. I felt the WANT to live. I would get excited for the next day to come every night when I went to sleep because I knew I'd see him then. He always lit up my world. He could make me smile and laugh and soon enough we started talking. I wore a Bigbang shirt to school and he told me he liked kpop too, so we became partners in dance.

As time went on we got closer and closer and I realized he was sad too. I remember one night he sent me a long text that lead me to believe he was going to kill himself. I was out with my family when he sent it, so I couldn't call I could only text. But he never texted me back. When I got home I called him and he didn't answer. I panicked and called again right away not wanting to believe it and when he picked up I just started sobbing. That's when I knew I was in love with him. That was January 23rd, 2018. I still have that text. I still have every snapchat he's ever sent me. I still have all out photos together. I still have my engagement ring. I still have our sex tapes. I still have his shirts and boxers he used to let my borrow. Today is September 15th, 2019 and I am still in love with Christopher Bang. And things were so unclear when we ended... a lot of the time I wonder if he might still love me, too.

You know what's weird about today, diary? I want to die today. If I died today, my time on this planet, in this life, would be so exact. I wonder if I'm feeling so suicidal tonight because of Chris or because I'm a little OCD. Either way I won't end up doing it, so it doesn't matter. I wish I wasn't so afraid of it though. I remember when I wasn't afraid to die. When I'd walk into traffic and have to get pulled out my someone. When I'd try to stab myself and someone would have to take the knife from me. When I'd want to overdose and someone would hide my antidepressants from me. Isn't it funny how those things actually make you feel worse? Like I'm paying to want to die more. That's bullshit. But at least when I was on that shit I wasn't afraid. Maybe I could do it if I was drunk, but I've been having trouble getting alcohol lately. I wish I hadn't drank so much of it to help myself sleep and saved it for when I feel like this. Now I have to go to sleep sober and suicidal on my birthday. I'd much rather get drunk and go to sleep in a way I'd never wake up from. 

Anyways, I'm just rambling at this point. I'll still be alive tomorrow, and I'll write more then.


	2. Chapter 2

20190915

I'm laying in bed trying to go to sleep, but I'm wide awake (as usual). My first thought was to go grab my vodka but I really can't get in the habit of drinking myself to sleep. The reason I can't sleep is because of yesterday. Something happened at work and I didn't really know to tell because.. I don't really like telling people about him. There's this man who tried to gain my trust and be my friend but he ending up touching me... I wanted to tell him to stop or pull away, but I just froze up. I don't know what happened. I just felt his hands all over me and I hated it. Anyways, he's a regular at McDonalds. Ever since that day he started coming by less but of course the day before my birthday he pulled up to my window and started talking to me. Asking if my arm was better (a month or so ago I fell and bruised my bone, had my arm in a sling), asking about things in general, acting like he cares about me... I know he doesn't, he just wants to fuck a little boy. He's 41 years old. I was 18 when that happened. What a fucking creep. 

I'm thinking about that and tomorrow. I have a tattoo appointment first thing in the morning. I need to get my HYYH tattoo touched up but still I don't wanna wake up and have a fucking needle in my arm right away. It's the only time I have to get it done though.

God I hate that the longer I lay here the more I think about alcohol!! I'm not an alcoholic, but my mom and dad both are so I have a high chance of becoming one. That's not gonna happen though. I'll be fine. I'm good at breaking habits. I've been keeping my ED under control, I haven't cut since like March I think?? Man that sure was a fun episode huh? I did it on my break at work... ON MY ANKLE... So when I went back it hurt too much to stand and my coworker caught me laying on the floor holding my ankle crying.

To be honest, I miss my old habits. When I think about it... I don't actually WANT to get better... I miss the sick empty feeling in my stomach when I don't eat for a day. I miss weighing 4lbs less every morning. I miss the feeling of that stake knife I stole from the kitchen. I loved to just scratch at my thighs with it... Just to watch the skin break, feel the sting, feel that little distraction from the pain in my mind. And then when I'd push a little too deep and saw red... That was always my favorite. It was my favorite until I'd remember how Chris told me he didn't want me to hurt. He'd tell me how beautiful my body was and that it made him happy when I ate. He'd tell me when I hurt myself, it hurt him too. He was such a fucking headache. I wanted to suffer, but I wanted to do whatever he wanted me to do. I loved him so fucking much... I still do love him so fucking much. I love him so fucking much. He really was the one I know I said that but he was!!! We went on a date to a fucking dog park one time!!!! And just watched dogs play!!!!!!

Our dates were always weird like that. Most of them were actually at the grocery store. We'd just dick around in the isles and buy whatever and eat by the window. We didn't need a lot to enjoy our time, as long as we were together. But we're not together now, huh? Is that why I have so much trouble enjoying my time now? He's still back in Santa Rosa and I'm all the way in Asheville, North Carolina... On the opposite side of the country. I wonder if we'd still be together if I hadn't moved...


	3. Chapter 3

190915

It's been about an hour, still can't sleep. Chris posted on his instagram story and there was some girl there... I started crying right away. Nothing even happened she just happened to be standing near him. Anyways, I got jealous and wrote a poem. Uh... I guess I made Changbin a girl to keep my fo-rhyme going. Which is weird because I never write rhyming poetry??? I hate rhyming poerty but sometimes I write with a tempo in my head and that just helps the sound. Anyways, here it is. I'll put this stupid diary away and actually go to sleep no.

He's like a fucking fever.  
I swear I'm on fire now that I've seen her  
I need him to leave her.  
But I know him well he's souless,  
the way she sees him he doesn't see her.  
And God, the way I feel hurt.

I've got a fucking fever.  
Life's cold but he lights me on fire-  
but her? Fuck, right I'm with her!  
And I hate it I make myself so sick  
cause if I'm with her, than I'm with her.  
And God, I'd hate to hurt her.

But love's love I guess.  
It's been a while since you left  
5 months, maybe less.  
And I still have every text you've ever sent.


	4. Chapter 4

20190816

I set my alarm way too early for when I went to sleep. My phone went off at 9:45 AM but I only finally dozed off right before the clock hit 5:00 AM. I got in the shower to try waking up but the warm water actually started lulling me back to sleep. I wish I had fallen asleep. I wish things went dark and I fell and hit my head too hard to get back up. I keep wanting an accident, you know? I don't want my friends and family at my funeral thinking "How could he do this? How much was he suffering for him to have to do this? And how could he do this to us."

Honeslty diary, I have no idea how much I'm suffering. It's usually little things that just stack up. Like how I had icecream when I went out to dinner with my dad last night and when I got in the shower just now my stomach looked a little bigger. Or how when I told my dad last night that I had set an appointment to finish getting my finger tattoos he was extremely upset, and now I'm not even sure if I want them! I've had those tattoos planned for 6 or 7 years now! It's little things that don't matter, like when a song comes on and I think about Chris and start crying. Oh, Hyunjin's up, hold on.

I forgot to tell you, he came over last night. He just went to sleep a couple hours before me. When Hyunjin wakes up he always groans a little and stretches his arms up at me for a hug, and he'll stare me down with his sleepy eyes until I lay in his arms and hug him back. It's cute. But not in that way;; I'm not going to date Hyunjin. Actually, we dated a couple times in the past. Being that we're both bisexual and love each other very much, it just kind of happened. But we love each other because we're best friends. So yeah I pet his head when he's tired and make him food when he's hungry and hug him anytime he wakes up beside me, but don't read into any of it. It's nice to just have someone you're that close to, who always wants to make you happy, even if it doesn't work. Anyways, he asked me to make breakfast while he's in the shower, so I should go now.


	5. Chapter 5

20190916

Random but I want to meet other MBLAQ stans my age. Most people my age got into kpop too late to like that iconic 2009-2014 sound. I'm watching MBLAQ MVs before leaving for work right now and   
I just want to talk to someone about how cute Lee Joon is... But no one knows who he is so. That's that I guess.

I'm at work now. The drive through line is super backed up so I can stand here and write and not get in trouble. I'm not quite sure what to talk about though. I'm not happy or sad. I'm just kind of here. More than anything I'm just hot, and my arm aches where I got my tattoo touched up this morning. It didn't hurt as bad I remember but you know what I completely forgot? Getting a tattoo feels the same as cutting. You grit your teeth and your breath hitches and you keep going anyways. Except I can handle a tattoo better. It always hurts more than cutting, I always got too scared to press hard enough to leave anything that might scar. I was scared of anyone finding out. Don't you think it's weird how your brain learns to crave that pain? I remember when I was talking to my doctor about it one day she explained it's just as addictive as drugs, the way that addiction runs in your brain is almost identical. Your brain rewards you for hurting yourself. Crazy, right? It makes me feel less guilty about missing it. I know it's not my fault that I feel the way I do.


	6. Chapter 6

20190916

Someone left me comments on my diary!! I went to upload my last entry and someone had left me comments saying they liked my work and wanted me to keep writing... I feel weirdly proud of myself? Part of why I started this diary was to feel heard, even if it was by strangers on the internet. You know what else inspired me though? I started reading a book for the first time in almost a year!!

It's a book by a music artist I listened to a lot as a kid, it's called The Heroine Diaries. It's almost exactly what this is, just way more intense. I'm not hooked on drugs or anything, but this is a place where I can be completely honest. His case was a little different, he kept a journal and then published it 20 years later. But to me it's just nice to feel like I'm talking to someone, anyone... And they don't have to worry about me because to them I'm fictional. All these things happen to me and you know it all but my life is just entertainment to you all. Maybe that sounds a little sad, but it's okay with me. It makes me feel less lonely to know you're listening, even if it's fake to you.

Ah the more I write about it the more upset I get. Maybe it's not great to be a character, but it's better than being nothing. 80% of the time I feel like nothing. Not happy or sad, just occupying space. I hope none of you feel that way. If you do, I hope you can read my entries and know that you're not alone. Maybe a lot of us feel that way, but we're scared to tell anyone. We don't want to worry anyone, or maybe we like how it feels to not exist to the people around us. Either way... I hope you can read these things and feel less alone.

Even if I am just your character.


	7. Chapter 7

20190919

I've been meaning to write, I've just been busy lately. I like to write when I'm upset buut Changbin came into town and we've been spending time together. Honestly... When I'm with him, I don't miss Chris. The only thing is, I'm not with him a lot. He's in college, so if I'm up for the hour drive I get to see him on weekends. I'm thinking about getting a second job though so I might not be able to spend as much time with him. It's a little upsetting but I've been spending money like I'm made if it lately and I am very so not. On the bright side, I'm also getting another raise at McDonalds soon. Our rasies are performance based here, so I know I'll be getting a good raise for sure.

I bought the book IT last night. The second movie for that book is coming out soon, but I never saw the first one. I decided if there's so much hype I should look at the original work. Maybe I'll enjoy the movies more that way too? I'll deffinently have to enjoy it later than everyone else, that book is SO THICK!! Wether I finish sooner or later, I'm looking forward to it.

20190920

I just realized I haven't been eating again. I'm still trying to eat, I just forget until like 5 in the afternoon... Which is what time it is now. I'm at work and smelling the food reminded me how hungry I am. I really wish I could eat right now, but I'm also happy that I can't...

Changbin spent the night last night, and the night before. Nothing happened, we just watched The Office. We're on season 9, which is actually one of my favorites. I don't get why everyone thought the show was so bad towards the end, the last 3 seasons are the best in my opinion. Anyways, today I had to drive him back to his school campus an hour away and my manager tried to call me in 2 hours before my shift started... When I was already working a 9 hour shift. I'm glad I was an hour away, or I know I would have done it. I'm way too much of a pushover, and I like the way my managers talk about me like I'm some sort of savior. I've never praised myself much, so being favored at work is a nice little change of pace for me. I like knowing for a fact that I'm good at something, even if it's as dumb as working at McDonalds... It's just nice to feel valuabe. I realized feeling valuabe to people in an emotional sense doesn't matter much to much, I guess I'm too used to it. Nothing's special if there's an abundance of it.

You know what I think is special? A good friend. A friend you can really count on is so rare, and I think Hyunjin is one if those rare people. He really does care about me, and he shows it. I'm sick of people just voicing it, Hyunjin is always actually there for me wether I ask him to be or not. I think everyone needs someone like that. I know I'm lucky to have someone like that.


	8. Chapter 8

20190920

That guy came through the drive through again tonight. He's started coming regularly again, I thought he gave up after I rejected him but he's been here almost everyday since the night before my birthay. Right, I think I forgot to tell you, he asked me to be his boyfriend. I told him I was still hooked up on Chris but... Even though that's true, that's obviously an excuse. Why would I want to date a man who's old enough to be a dad? We have a 22 year age difference. I guess when you're in love you can't stop it but when an age difference is that large and one of you isn't into it, that's NOT something you should continue to pursue. 

I can tell the way he looks at me that he loves me. I get that look a lot, and hate it. It makes me feel sick. Honeslty, I wouldn't be surprised if the next time he came through the drive through I puked on him. 

I feel horrible, but I know I'll end up being okay. I'm picking up Hyunjin on my way home from work. We're just gonna have ramen and write, but I guess I'm getting all my stuff out now huh? It's alright, I have a SHINee fanfic I've been writing for a long time, I'm not sure how long but it's been over a year. I really do want to publish it like this diary, but it's far darker than anything I have written (and hopefully every will write) here. Maybe as I continue posting this I'll feel more confident can comfortable posting my actually writing. I really hope I feel good enough to post it one day. I've put so much time and effort into it. But a lot of things like that go to waste.


	9. Chapter 9

20190921

Oh my God he's here AGAIN. I think he's been here every day since the night before my birthday. Everyday he pulls up to the window and looks at me the same way, like I'm the light of his life or something. I feel like I'm about to cry right here in this stupid drive through window. Ahhh Hyunjin showed up right then. He just came through to see me. I feel bad though, he had to listen to me complain about that creep. It felt nice to talk to someone for a little though. I feel like other than that guy coming to see me every day my days have been fine. I haven't been unhappy outside of that. I haven't even worked here for a full year yet but maybe I should switch jobs. I like my managers and coworkers, I just can't handle seeing that guy everyday. Well, maybe he'll think I quit when I take my vacation. If he keeps coming through everyday and doesn't see me for a week he might take the hint. I'm pacing around like I'm crazy and my manager keep trying to calm me down but I can't tell her why I hate him. I can explain breifly but she can't know he touched me. No one can know that. That's between you and me, diary. I'm not a snitch and I'm not getting anyone in trouble. I just want to be left alone.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW!!!!!!!! Eating disorders, suicide.  
Please do NOT read this chapter if you have an ED, has mentions of suicide attempts + suicidal thoughts.

20190921

I'm so hungry right now. But I'm not letting myself eat anymore today. I need to lose weight really badly. I know I'm not... Overweight. But I'm sick of looking at myself and seeing what I see. So I bought a container of almonds, apple cider vinegar, and a pack of cornbread muffins. I didn't want to get the muffins at first, but they're only 330 calories each and I should have something a little filling. If I have one of those before work, a salad with chicken on my lunch break, and almonds whenever I start to get cravings, I should stay under 600 calories everyday. Mixing apple cider vinegar with my water should help me lose weight too. I know I've been in recovery for a while (a year and a half, I think?) so it's upsetting for me to go back but... I miss being small. I want to be tiny like I used to.

I'm chewing gum and drinking water in bed to calm my hunger pains now. Hyunjin is in bed with me, watching a K-drama. He's confused on why I'm doing what I am, but I can't tell him. He'd be horrified if he knew I was trying to get away with not eating again. No one needs to know about this. It's just between us. No one needs to worry. I've done this before, I'll be fine. I know how to handle myself. I think this time I won't weigh myself everyday. I don't want to know how much I weigh now, I just want to see how small I am in the end. Once I hit 48kg I'll be so happy. I didn't make it that far the first time, before I got found out and got put in recovery. I hope people don't notice this time. I'm okay with no being okay.

Do any of you every feel that way? Do you want to not be okay? Are you happy to be unhappy? I remember when driving home from work today I looked out over a bridge. I drive over that bridge everyday and every night. This time when I looked, I remembered one particular night. One night, there was someone standing on the bridge. Police cars lined the curb, blue lights flickering; illuminating the 2:00AM sky. I thought of that person, and I wanted to be them. I felt so strongly the urge to be up on that ledge. Maybe I would jump, maybe I would just look out over the night.

That man came back again today. He really is showing up everyday. I'm not exactly sure what I did to deserve this, but I've decided there's no other reason for it to happen. I must deserve this for some reason. Maybe that's why when I star to feel happy, everything seems to crumble. Maybe I deserve it. Maybe, if I go up on that ledge, I should take the leap.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW // ED

20190924

I'm so tired. Not eating is really draining at my energy, and it's making me horribly irritable. I keep zoning out and I'm only two sentences into this entry. Hyunjin stayed the night and made breakfast this morning, so I had to eat pretty early in the day. It's made the rest of the day pretty slow, I want to work out but I'm too tired. Hyunjin wants to go get pizza tonight. I might get a slice and eat a little, then go home and jog in the backyard. I either need to eat or go to sleep... But I don't know. I'm just nervous. I don't want to slow my progress. Changbin is coming into town tomorrow too, and I'm gonna have to eat in front of him. We're going too the fair too, so I'll probably have something horrible and greasy for my one meal. I know I won't be able to exercize at all around him either.... I don't know. I'm just nervous.

My head hurts, my stomach is turning, I feel like I might pass out. I don't think I will. I've never passed out while fasting, although I've gotten pretty close in highschool. But I was physically overextending myself, so I'll be fine now. I hate to make this entry to short but my eyes are shutting... I really don't have any energy at all. I'll try to write tomorrow.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW//Mentions of ED, mostly soft tho :)

20190924

So I passed out. I set an alarm first because I knew I wasn't going to wake up on my own. When I woke up I couldn't walk staright or feel my limbs, Hyunjin drove us to a pizza place down the road and I told him what had happened. He told me he was proud of me for telling him without him pressing me. At first I felt pathetic and ashamed for giving into my illness, and I was even more scared to tell Hyunjin, but he really does just want me to feel better. I almost broke down crying right in that dumb old pizza shack.

I felt better after I ate. My head stopped hurting, I could feel my limbs, I could walk straight... I had to hold Hyunjin's arm walking into the restaurant and to our table. Everyone probably thought we were a gay couple. I didn't care, I didn't even think of it until now. My head wasn't exactly working great at the moment. After that we went to the store to buy all storts of baking suplies. We made pumpkin bread, and in the morning, after I pick up Changbin, we're going to make pumpkin pie.

I'm glad I have a friend like Hyunjin.


End file.
